It is truly sad to know that
many societies have taken something as basic as the physiological act of crying
and turned it into something that is widely viewed as a sign of weakness. How often have you heard a parent tell
his/her son, "Big boys don't cry!" in an effort to calm down the
crying child? Instead of letting the boy
use crying as a release for his pain, he is taught that it is unmanly to cry
and that crying portrays him as a weakling. Girls really don't fair much better
in their education on crying. Early on
their crying is more readily accepted because
they're girls. This in turn teaches
them to think that they are weaker than boys because, after all, crying surely
is a sign of weakness… Yeah, right!
As we grow up, we learn to completely repress the urge to
cry to the point where just about the only acceptable place for crying is a
funeral. Even there we try to hold back
as long as we can instead of letting tears flow naturally, because a display of
emotion might embarrass us in front of our peers.
The addict in particular has an uncanny ability to cover
up or hide feelings and emotions. Years
of hiding, sneaking around, lying and making excuses with regard to the
addiction creates a shield that is not easily penetrated. Crying is just not part of the practicing
addict’s repertoire.
A funny thing happens though when you stop feeding the
addiction. As an ex-smoker, you are
starting a completely new life. Daily
activities need to be relearned to not include cigarettes. Simple tasks can become insanely hard because
of this change. At the same time you're
grieving a major loss - your life-long
friend, the cigarette, is no longer part of your life. During this time repressed emotions and
feelings seem to awaken with often uncontrollable intensity. For many ex-smokers, this period will include
bouts of crying that seem to come out of nowhere. The best way to handle crying during this
time is to embrace it and accept it for what it is, namely a release. It is a physiological function that lets your
body help you on a psychological level in your fight against the
addiction.
If you feel a
cry coming on during your quit, don't fight it.
The actual trigger for the cry is really immaterial and may sometimes
not even be logical. What matters is
that you let the tears flow freely, because in a sense they are washing your
addiction away. Feel free to share your
experience with your support group as well.
You may be surprised to find just how many other ex-smokers have
encountered exactly the same phenomenon.
Didn’t want to bring the Board down
Posted by Linda on January 22
at 23:24:20
Wednesday and
Thursday were days of massive depression - basically cried on and off all
day. My poor students kept apologizing
for not understanding things quickly enough. They thought THEY were making me
sob. I just didn't want to post and bring the Board down. Everyone seemed to be
doing pretty well, oldies and newbies alike.
You know how
some of us get really irritable and bitchy from the quit? Well, not me... My
body and mind seem to deal with the quit with sudden and overwhelming bouts of
crying jags. Gene
recommended B1 and I've started with that. Hopefully it will help. Actually I
didn't cry all day today. Came close tonight, but talked myself out of it. I haven't had a major urge to smoke though,
just small urges that pass.
I have been
reading the Board even though I haven't posted, and you all are looking
good. Sarah
and I will hit the two-week mark Sunday. Hard to believe...
Sleep well… I wish you
smokeless serenity,
300 cigarettes not smoked,
saving $40.50. Life saved: 1 day, 1 hour, 0 minutes.
Tears
Posted by Eve on January 23 at 00:05:45
In reply to: Didn’t want to
bring the Board down Posted by Linda
on January 22 at 23:24:20
Dear Linda ,
You know what I
have been told about smoking and crying? That the smoking represses many unshed
tears and when we quit those tears are going to come up to be shed. I myself
find this a challenge. I am learning to embrace it and move through it. I have not allowed myself to cry for a long
time. I still fight it, and I am learning that when I let them flow, I feel
better. One of my friends who quit a long time ago said she cried a lot when
she quit and it can happen at any time. Tears of joy, sadness, or who knows
what - I am not comfortable with it yet, but I'm working on it.
Also, I don't
think you would bring the Board down by posting when you are feeling sad. That
is what we are here for. When one person is up they can support one who is down
and then vice versa. You are doing great, Linda ,
and I'm glad you are posting!
Peace to you,
Posted by Michael on January 23 at 07:16:41
In reply to: Tears Posted by
Eve on January 23 at 00:05:45
Hi Eve
and Linda ,
Isn't it amazing
what tears can do? Eve , I too had
difficulty in letting the tears go, but I learned from my psychotherapist that
crying is normal and just a bodily reaction to loss. I could kick myself for keeping that stoic
line of thinking that crying is a sign of weakness for as long as I did. I now
believe it's a sign of wellness and strength because through crying we actually
deal with whatever loss we're experiencing. Linda ,
you go ahead and cry, maybe it can be a lesson for your students. Teach them
how crying always ties into some type of loss... Let it be a life lesson of sorts. :-)
Peace!
Fight the good fight!
********
Can’t stop crying!
Posted by Kelly on December 15
at 06:42:47
Sorry to sound
so pathetic, but this seems to be my sorry reaction to quitting. I can't seem to shake this - went to bed
crying and awoke wanting to cry, too.
Repressed feelings are rising to the surface and I'm scared. I WILL NOT SMOKE TODAY even if I cry all
day... I just wish I could see an end to this.
Please take care, all of you, and I hope you do well today.
Posted by Michael on December 15 at 13:49:18
In reply to: Can’t stop
crying! Posted by Kelly on December 15
at 06:42:47
Good morning Kelly ,
Crying is so
normal when you become an ex-smoker. Crying in and of itself is basically a physiological
function that our body uses to cleanse itself.
On a psychological level it is always about some type of loss. Giving up
smoking fits that scenario in a big way. By giving up cigarettes you've lost a
very big part of your life. Smokes used to accompany just about everything you
did, and now that's gone. Basically you've taken away seemingly integral parts
of those activities. There's your loss. In the long run, you'll realize that
smokes shouldn't have been considered part of activities like driving, walking,
eating, etc in the first place, but for now your mind is grieving a loss, and
that's perfectly normal.
Emotions and
feelings run strong in the early stages of a quit. It's a period of major
change in our lives that takes some time getting used to. It can actually be used as a learning
experience, because it's really beneficial that we address our feelings rather
than repress them. There's a lot we can
learn about ourselves during a crying period.
Go ahead and cry, Kelly , let
your tears wash the addiction away...
Peace!
Fight the good fight!
********
An "I
Miss You All" Ramble
Posted by D.J.
on March 17 at 00:42:27
I'm here every
chance I get, but it's oh-so-frustrating and hard to just pop off messages
without more thought - no time, busy, two weeks to design a completely new
English comp course which I am not used to teaching, the tax-thing (I do the
books for my partner's custom picture framing business), oh, blah, blah - you
know. I can't waste our time here complaining.
All these
wonderful newbies - I read and just chew on my tongue wanting to take time to
get to know each of you and offer what help I can. My soft spot for Hell Week
suffering has not faded with distance - if anything, it's stronger in memory
than it was in reality, I swear. I just want to get in there with you and
buckle down, soothe, ride it out with you, but time keeps taking me away. So
what I cannot bolster individually, we can all latch onto collectively - the
collective quit-smoking energy that permeates this place with each new addition
of human resolve to break free of the smoking addiction. You are all like
little mirrors shining on the big ball as it goes round and round - lighting
everybody's way, no matter their stage of quit. You are each making this place
more and more beautiful every day with your humanhood and your fight for your
lives. It's enhancing us all.
Sentimental
tonight, can you tell? It all started because of a dental appointment today -
this is going to sound so weenie - but a dental appointment, wherein I had not
been to the dentist for two years and it took him less that two seconds to
notice a difference in my teeth. I asked him questions about post-quit teeth
and the like, and suddenly, he's taking a paternal interest in spiffing me up,
and oh, he dug and dug at those stains - it hurt so much, I bled and bled, but
clung to the sides of the chair, and afterwards, we talked about a proper
whitening with the quit money I had socked away (if I could have my lungs
"cleaned" professionally, believe me, I would start there), and I
left the dentist's office feeling cared for - not just from the dentist, but
from me - for the first [substantial amount of] time in 26 years, I was caring
for myself, my poor little mouth, my long-suffering teeth and gums, they've
been so forgiving of me, it's a miracle, finally, I am caring and trying, and I
went out to my car in the parking lot with my aching jaws and cleaner teeth and
I got in the car, looked up in the rearview mirror, then just broke down and cried
and cried and cried with my face in my hands, just cried and cried in the
dentist's parking lot - had to get this out before I could see to move on . . .
.
There will be no
greater accomplishment for me in this lifetime - I am convinced of that. Now that
the smoke is beginning to clear, I can look at whatever passage of life I am in
- now and forever forth - no matter what's happening in it - and name my
happiness finally as the most genuine of all.
Thanks to ALL for reading me… Thanks for letting me
read you ALL,
D.J.
6 weeks +
D.J.
6 weeks +
Posted by Jan on March 17 at 01:07:42
In reply to: An "I Miss You All" Ramble
Posted by D.J. on March 17 at 00:42:27
I have often
thought to myself so much of what you were able to articulate in your post.
Hopefully, one day we can find complete and final peace and not be shadowed by
our addiction to smoking. I have to believe that time heals all wounds, even
our unsolicited desire to smoke. We are burying a loved one for good. There will always be moments when we think of our
loved one whether it is triggered or
purely reminisced in our minds or words, but the aching or craving will become
duller with time. With some more fortunate ones, the time may only be months. For
many of us, though, it will be years. We must accept it as we would if we
buried those cigarettes six feet under in a wooden box, and we must deal with
all of our emotions as well. As ex-smokers we seem to forget that we need to
address all the grieving emotions one must freely be able to go through in
order to heal. If we miss any of those, they will come out at the most
unexpected times and places. Sadness, anger and fear are some of those that we
need to express in order to heal. By the way, I also scheduled a dentist
appointment after two years!
10 days quit, and not much easier!
Keeping the faith,
Jan
Keeping the faith,
Posted by Michael on March 17 at 06:45:14
In reply to: An "I Miss You All" Ramble
Posted by D.J. on March 17 at 00:42:27
I've been here
two and a half years, and seldom has a post touched me the way yours did this
morning. I started crying while reading it because I once again started to feel
the beauty, the happiness, the ecstasy of being smoke-free. Yes, I still get
emotional when it comes to this addiction - the power we exert over it by not
feeding it is a source of indescribable happiness. It is something that I
strive to communicate because newbies need to see how wonderful their future
can be. D.J. , you captured my own
feelings and emotions this morning, and you put them into words… Thank
you...
Your unexpected
cry in the car was a perfectly normal part of quitting - a release of
sorts. Getting rid of our life-long friend sends our emotions into some
heavy turmoil. On the one hand we are
ecstatic because we're doing something wonderful, but at the same time we
experience a strong sense of loss for an activity that was an integral part of
our daily routine. Crying is just a
release for that turmoil, nothing more.
It's something that we should welcome as part of our recovery. I know in my case a good cry, unexpected or
not, always makes me feel better. Let
the tears flow whenever you need to D.J.
Let them help to wash the addiction away…
Peace!
Michael
Fight the good fight!
********
Old Cigarettes
Posted by D.J.
on April 27 at 23:17:33
I didn't think it would
happen to me, but it did: needed to load up an old book bag for this new
lecture class tonight, and there they were - cigarettes. Slipped into a
zippered pocket, a nest of three, stuck back in the far corner of the pack -
you know - the way they stick there, the way they stick there when you pick up
the pack and instantly know you've got 3 left, just from the feel, you can
tell.
Inside that instant, that's my thought - just like
old times, finding a pack I didn't know I had: Hey, I've got three cigarettes
left, which would make me either happy or sad. You know - happy you still had three,
sad you only had three left.
Three cigarettes went with
an imported beer at the jazz club for me. One beer = three cigarettes - slow
sipping, smoke curling, three cigarettes.
Three cigarettes used to get me to university on the highway. University
was three cigarettes away. Mornings with caffeine - three cigarettes - still in
a robe, before anything - checking university e-mail, a cup of coffee or tea,
and three cigarettes.
My
mouth dropped open, my blood pressure arched, I held three cigarettes in my
hand; I threw three cigarettes away, sat down, cried. No real reason - just
cried. It seemed to hurt, finding them, touching them, like running across a
picture of an old lover who hurt you, tearing it up, throwing it away.
Recovering
addict,
D.J.
D.J.
Posted by Bob
on April 27 at 23:25:04
In reply to: Old Cigarettes Posted by D.J. on April
27 at 23:17:33
Hi D.J.,
Just read your post and I
understand. It reminded me of last
autumn. We have a wood stove in the basement of our house. There is a big
overstuffed chair that sits in front of it. I used to sit in this chair in the
winter, watching the fire through the glass door in the stove and smoke. When I
went down to light the stove for the first time last autumn, there was my
smoking chair - complete with an ashtray on the armrest. I cried at the time.
Now I am ok with it - no big deal. It was just one of those things that had to
get done.
Nice to see you here tonight.
Your
friend,
Bob
You did well D.J.
Posted by Michael
on April 28 at 06:14:53
In reply to: Old Cigarettes Posted by D.J. on April
27 at 23:17:33
You're sure to come across more of those as time goes by
- seasons change and different jackets are worn. You handled that so well,
though, turning the situation into a poetic learning experience instead of
freaking out.
I
remember a similar situation early in my quit. One morning I was getting ready
to continue some remodeling work in one of the spare bedrooms when I found an
errant pack on the windowsill. Unlike
you, I absolutely freaked - I grabbed the pack, barreled down the stairs and
ran out after my wife who was just pulling out of the driveway for work. I felt like I was running for my life, for I
didn't trust myself to "take care" of the situation. Once I reached
her I literally begged her to take the pack and get rid of it.
My
fear after that discovery was real and it was intense. I stood there in my
doorway, watched my wife pull away and - like you - I cried. I felt safe and vulnerable all at once.
Emotions can do a real number on us, but I think it's important for us to
experience this rollercoaster of feelings in order to grow in our new life as
ex-smokers. No pain - no gain, right?
Thanks again for your poetic
insight D.J. , and have a great
smoke-free day!
Peace!
Fight the good fight!
********
We have nothing to fear but fear
itself.
