Routine and
structure is something most of us thrive on.
Almost everything we do, from something as simple as having breakfast to
managing a multimillion-dollar business deal, revolves around a schedule. The human psyche takes comfort in knowing
what comes next. Much of what we do is
based on repetitive activity. It only
makes sense to establish routines that get played out over and over. This repetitiveness creates a comfort zone
because our actions become so habitual that we don’t have to think much about them
while doing them. Something as complex
as driving a car becomes second nature.
The task of operating a motor vehicle, even through rush hour traffic,
is accomplished without much conscious thought.
We all have our
own set of routines and as we grow older, we become set in our ways so to speak. We like it when things run smoothly,
without complication or deviation from our normal routine. A surprise can be fun from time to time, but
for the most part we do not appreciate changes infiltrating our structured
lives. Change of any type results in the
disruption of our comfort zone. This in
turn causes us to react. In the heat of
the moment, the reaction may be anger or a sense of frustration. Given time to think about the given change,
our reaction will usually evolve into something deeper.
So it is with
the fight against our addiction. As
smokers, we developed a very structured schedule of lighting up 20, 30, 40 or
more times per day. We could time it
almost to the minute when we would be lighting that next one. The total elimination of that structure or
routine causes a major change, a gigantic blow to our comfort zone. I’m not referring so much to the chemical
dependency here, but more to the physical activity of lighting up and smoking a
cigarette. That activity was a big part
of our lives, taking up several hours of our time each and every day. Smoking was an integral part of us, and now
it’s gone…poof…just like that. Change?
You bet! Disruption? Definitely!
Depression can be very closely linked to change. Even the word itself describes change. Think of a smooth surface that has a dent or
a depression in it. That dent is a disruption in the smooth
contour of the surface. The ex-smoker
will commonly experience some depression, usually around the three-month
mark. As with most emotional issues, the
severity of the depression will be different for each individual, but what we
all experience is a sense of loss. I
equate this period to the grief we experience when losing a loved one. After all, it was the cigarette that was with
us though thick and thin, through joy and sadness. Our friend,
the cigarette, was always there to comfort us when we were in need, always
there to help us celebrate, always there…period. Many of us spent more time with this friend than we did with our own
families. It is only natural that we
mourn his passing…
During these highly emotional times the support from
other ex-smokers can be most helpful. It
is the realization that we are sad and depressed because we are actually
mourning our own killer that can help us overcome this overwhelming change in
our lives. Who better to guide us
through this period than someone who has lived or is living the exact same
change?
Just need a little help...
Posted by Jay ~ on January 24
at 00:35:24
I am not too
sure if this is normal for someone who is trying to quit, but lately I feel
very depressed. I am not talking about sadness or anything small like that -
this is like grand scale depression. I
feel like I am dying inside. I want to
lock myself up in a room and not have to worry about the outside world. It feels like there is nothing to look
forward to. I need help to know if this is normal. I have had problems with
depression before but I have noticed that every time I try to quit it gets a
lot worse. Is there anybody who can give me some good advice on what to do?
I would appreciate it!
Thank you....
Posted by Michael on January 24 at 06:15:15
In reply to: Just need a
little help... Posted by Jay ~ on
January 24 at 00:35:24
Good morning Jay ,
Quitting smoking
and the number three... I wish someone would do a research study to find out
what the actual connection is. I checked
back through the Board and figured out that you're at three weeks and two days. I can't tell you why your depression has set in Jason ,
but what I can tell you is that you are not alone with this experience - not by
far! Three days, three weeks, three
months - they all seem to be pivotal points in a quit. If you remember from my ramblings, I too found
this Board (at my three-month mark) searching for info on why I was
experiencing the deep depression I was in.
Let me share what I've learned since then in psychotherapy as well as
from folks on the Board.
Think first of
the word "depression" by itself. What does it mean? Well, picture a
perfectly smooth surface, like the hood of a classic automobile - a picture of
perfection. Now imagine that same
surface after someone hits it with a hammer - it now has a dent in it, a depression of sorts. The entire look of that hood has been
changed. It is no longer smooth and
perfect, and in the eyes of the beholder of classic cars... useless. That blow
with the hammer changed the future of that classic car. Of course it can be
fixed, but it will take a lot of time and energy to get back to the smoothness
before the dent/depression.
Mental
depression is about change, Jay , and
we all know how well humans deal with change, right? As an ex-smoker you have made some drastic
changes in your life. Actually it goes beyond
that. What you’ve really done is sworn
off the life you once knew in order to start a new life as a person who does
not have cigarettes included in just about every daily activity. That’s a pretty major change, huh?
Change brings
out all kinds of emotions. Feelings of
fear, sadness, anger, hatred and helplessness are not uncommon in the
ex-smoker, which is understandable when you think of all the changes we’ve made
in our lives pretty much from one day to the next. Every activity that we used to do with a
cigarette in our mouth or hand has now changed, and the new version scares our
fragile mind. Don’t let it scare you, Jason . This
change may be severe, but it’s so good for us that we should be jumping for
joy.
Explore what
you’re feeling right now. Analyze it to
find out exactly where it’s coming from.
I’m sure you’ll find the basis for your depression in the loss of
cigarette smoking. Once you see that,
the defense of self pity we so easily turn to will become invalid and you’ll be
able to focus on the freedom that comes with the smooth surface.
Peace!
Fight the good fight!
********
I am so sorry, but I am at the bottom of the barrel today...
Posted by Joyce on January 28
at 17:42:41
Hello Friends,
I am really
gloomy today - was dancing last night and am absolutely feeling like the pits
today. My stats don't even cheer me or inspire me. Four weeks tomorrow - and I
just want to cry my eyes out. I thought other times during the last few weeks
were bad, but this day has been my absolute worst.
I told someone
today at work about it and he asked me, “Aren't you over it yet?” I looked at
him like he had two heads. He said, “I
mean the nicotine cravings” I told him the nicotine had been out of my body for
weeks. I told him it is the habit that is making it so hard right now. I also
told him that if I could be over withdrawal from smoking in 28 days, after
smoking for 25 years, I would have quit a lot sooner than this. Of course he is
a smoker and has been smoking probably longer than me. He was supposed to quit on the 31st. Has he?
NO! Wanted to tell him he could just blow it out his you-know-what, but
then I would feel guilty again for losing it.
This knot in my
gut is tearing me up… I'm sorry but right at the moment this quit is extremely
shaky. Sorry to ramble on and be so gloomy but it is how I'm feeling. I'm
crying too hard to even type anymore... Thanks for listening.
Bye for now…
Posted by Heather on January 28 at 18:00:27
In reply to: I am so sorry,
but I am at the bottom of the barrel today... Posted by Joyce
on January 28 at 17:42:41
Have a hug
girlfriend. You have seen how this quitting thing goes, haven't you. One day we
are total confidence, next we are in the pit and convinced we'll never make it…
Then we get two or three more days of good times. However, this does not go on
indefinitely there is an end or people would never stay quit. Now seriously Joyce , old Nicodemon is whispering that a cig would
solve your problem and we both know that’s crap. A sickarette would probably
rip your lungs out at this point and it would be totally disappointing and then
you'd be left feeling stupid for taking it and blowing your quit when you're
doing so fantastic.
Let’s recall
some facts... Sickarettes have all kinds of dangerous chemicals in them...
Sickarettes make cancer... Consider the nicotine stains on your fingernails and
how hard it is to get them off… Now imagine that on your lungs - when you
smoke... Doctors just say you’re a smoker - they don't even have to ask, because
you stink from six feet away… How about the yellow walls and ceilings? Nice!
Dirty ashtrays, people’s disapproving stares, standing out in the cold
freezing your butt off only to get stared at and closer to cancer. And if none
of this has gotten through... Remember.... The Fat Guys will get the last laugh
and you will just stink and have to go through all that yack again!
I know it’s
hard... It’s the pits, so you whine, cry, stomp your feet, go streaking even! I
don't care, but keep your quit... You’re doing great... And you’re tough and
you can do this.
Peace, happiness with
yourself and being smoke-free will justify your suffering
Posted by Rob on January 28 at 18:24:39
In reply to: I am so sorry,
but I am at the bottom of the barrel today... Posted by Joyce
on January 28 at 17:42:41
Nicotine is a
stimulant - you've taken that away from your body. It doesn't like that much, but it explains
why we get so moody. You're going to
have BAD, BAD DAYS, but they become less frequent and easier to deal with. It was around six weeks that I wasn't LIVING
TO QUIT any more. I got some of my life
back and I was able to think about other things. Give it time and you'll be glad you did.
SMOKING IS NOT
AN OPTION... So beat the walls, kick a dog (not really)... Do whatever it takes
to get over it. SMOKING will only
depress you more... FAILING is not an OPTION.
I smoked for 33 years and didn't really want to quit. I loved my
smokes. I was just getting too old to
smoke any more. I love life and I want
as much as I can get.
HANG ON! YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID!
Sincerely, Rob
Nine months, one day, 22
hours, 51 minutes and 20 seconds.
9693 cigarettes not smoked,
saving $969.48.
Life saved: 4 weeks, 5 days,
15 hours, 45 minutes.
********
I have a question, Michael
Posted by Lea on December 15 at 08:27:21
Hi Michael ,
I have a
question for you. You mentioned that you
got really depressed when you got to being quit three months. I’m coming up on my three-month mark and was
wondering if I should be expecting the same thing…. Thanks for any input you
might have.
Posted by Michael on December 15 at 10:12:48
In reply to: I have a
question, Michael
Posted 08:27:21
Hi again Lea,
The depression
that hit me at the three month mark is pretty common among ex-smokers.
Nobody has been able to explain why three months is significant, but I've seen
it happen to enough people that it must have significance. When it hit me
personally, I had no idea why it was happening... The anger, the unsolicited
crying, the continued doubts etc. In desperation I decided to see if I
could find help online. Like so many others, I found this Board, and
quickly I learned that I was not going crazy, but that this was part of
becoming an ex-smoker.
I've since
talked to lots of people, including my therapist, about it, and best we can
come up with is that the grieving process over losing the action of smoking
comes to a head somewhere around that time. Of course it's different for
everyone, some it may hit at two months, some at four months. But by and
large every ex-smoker goes through one or more depressions. It's pretty
understandable if you think about it.
For decades we were used to doing just about everything with a
smoke. Now we have to learn a completely new way of doing things because
smokes are no longer part of our lives. That's major, major change right
there, and since the human psyche naturally doesn't like the discomfort of
change, well...you know... :-)
So be on the
lookout for those grieving/depression times.... Knowing what they are ahead of
time can often minimize them.
Peace!
Fight the good fight!
********
Good Morning from the left coast! *S*
Posted by Bonnie on February
07 at 13:52:49
Good morning
everyone! *Smile* All lined up with
bright non-smoking faces… *Smile* Five weeks and one whole day here... and an
hour and 31 minutes too…LOL... Lots not smoked… *Smile* Getting rich… *Smile* Just feeling really
happy this morning! How is everyone else today?
Hanging in…
Posted by Joyce on February 07 at 14:24:03
In reply to: Good Morning
from the left coast! *S* Posted by Bonnie
on February 07 at 14:04:30
I'm hanging in
there Bonnie - just my habit telling
me a lot of things like this may not be the time to quit - too many family
problems, some of my own health problems. I seem to be isolating myself from
the world and can't stop doing it. I
miss smoking a lot and hate myself when I think like that, but after 25 years
of leaning on 'them' at all times and during every emotion… I feel defeated a
lot… Again I hate myself for thinking that way... I think Michael
posted one time that one day the quit wasn't foremost on his mind any more... I
just want that day to be here now... I
actually broke down crying this morning while I was washing my huge kitchen
floor. I always smoked on my breaks from
cleaning, which I took a lot of, and I started daydreaming I was at the
infamous 'corner store' (didn't care that I had no makeup on or my hair wasn't
washed). I ran hysterically upstairs,
gave my sweetie a dirty look, slammed the bedroom door, and lay on my bed
(Walkman on trying to tell Nicodemon where to get off) sobbing... How stupid...
This makes me so mad... Anyway, there are my guts...
I want so bad to
forget about these things... I feel bad when I get this weak in front of the
newbies... It actually helps to read their posts because I still feel like they
do... I’m feeling really weak today and have been for a few days, but lets face
it… It’s three hours later and I haven't gone to the corner store… Fiancé
finished up the floor - what a sweetheart… I have seriously begun to think of
hiring a house cleaner once a month - using cigarette money… I even
rationalized that if I stay quit I could get me a house cleaner permanently… Anyway,
there I rambled on… That's it… And again it is… UGGGGGGHHHHH! Oh, and it seems
that no one else on the Board seems this weak this long into their quit....
Thanks for listening... Hope
you're not sorry you asked...
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}
Posted by Lisa W. 23:16:55
In reply to: Hanging in…
Posted by Joyce on February 07 at 14:24:03
Okay, Joyce , here's my take on it. I quit around the same time as you and I
think we share some of the same feelings.
I don't gripe much on this Board, because I don't feel like griping here
- it's safe. I'm away from all stresses/expectations, and I really like the
people here - they make me feel great!
But don't get me wrong, I miss smoking, and because it's still early in
my quit, I can honestly say I was smarter, more fun, more energetic, more
confident, and more together as a smoker than I am right now. My friends and
family will second that, and that's not fair, because we've gone through hell
being strong. We were used to smoking
our anger and sadness and stress and insecurities and fears away… Yet, in the
past five weeks, we've had to deal with all of those emotions all by
ourselves. Plus, they've been extra
intense because they've been pushed way down for years and years and years!
So we deserve to
be superstars by now - svelte from all our newfound energy spent
exercising. Yeah right! At the rate I'm eating, I'd have to be doing
marathons every day to be svelte. We
should get promoted for all the brilliant ideas we've presented at work (not
likely being a Zyban girl in withdrawal); we deserve to be the center of every
social event, due to our newfound sense of confidence and 'sassiness' - (more
like chanting mantras nervously in the corner as I eye all the smokers and try
to make myself believe they look gross, worrying that one more drink might send
me straight to the Nicodemon himself). So - eek - in a way, we feel like we're
failures, right? I mean nothing magically good has occurred - and WE'VE PAID
OUR DUES.
I am noticing
improvements in my mood as time goes on, and strength in my ability to create a
new life for myself as I allow more activities and people in. But, it's a lot
slower than my immediate gratification temperament would like, or what the
fairytale mentality would lead me to believe - Heroine suffers for short period of time and result is perfect life
forever after. I've been careful about jumping back into my ‘old lifestyle'
because a lot of pressure went along with that, e.g. always being available to
listen to friends' problems. I need all
my strength for my own quit right now. My phone has been turned off since I
quit. I don't feel people should be
subjected to some of the personalities I've unleashed during this quit - hee
hee, and I want the control of deciding who I want to call back, and when I
want to return their calls. Some people
are still waiting - they fall into the trigger
category, and I need more time. Some
guilt goes along with that promise to myself, but it’s worth it.
I'm lucky
because I only have to share my living space with two cats - (I mean, when Mel
is on set somewhere, of course) so I have all the freedom in the world to mope
or be bitchy… Actually, I've earned a whole new respect from the cats - hee
hee. Plus, my closest co-worker quit too, so we have each other during the
day. Joyce ,
we are not going to smoke again, so we need to slowly but surely break out of
our little protective caves and let parts of our old life back in, and we need
to develop new outlooks that smoking never allowed us. I've found that although it's scary when I
actually get out there and LIVE, I've been pleasantly surprised how good it's
made me feel. Be kind to yourself. This
is not a race. Your sadness/stress/longing
for cigarettes will pass and you'll find that a great smoke-free life is
waiting for you. Believe it or not, you
have the power to grab your real life back and make it even better.
Until then, do
whatever it takes to build your strength and remain smoke-free, even if it
doesn't result in a perfectly clean home and a perfectly content man. This isn't a fairy tale we're living - it's
accepting and dealing with addiction - and there's nothing perfect or beautiful
about that. It's hard work. The rewards
WILL COME though, so please keep fighting because you deserve them.
Luv Lisa
********
The world, or our world, may always have smokers in
it;
And
we may always have one inside of us,
But
we value, and choose because we do,
Freedom and the rewards that come with it.
